Something's Breaking
by ChibiFrubaGirl
Summary: [Riku] Riku's like a broken record. He breaks, then heals, then breaks again... But even a broken record has to stop the breakheal process eventually right? [NO PAIRINGS]


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_I need more affection than you know_

_Yeah, I was him_

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Slippery tendrils of darkness slip into his system and he feels the last of his self-restraint give out. And even though their movement is gentle it stings with a bitterness Riku has never felt before in his life.

A split second after he lets the darkness in for the hopefully last time he realizes that he might just have made the biggest mistake of his life and that he's taking the easy way out of helping Sora.

But it's too late now, because he's already put on that mask he was forced into a year ago. And surprisingly enough he doesn't find it difficult.

- - - - - - - - - - -

_Wasn't it easy?_

_Yeah, I was him_

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After the initial pain wears off Riku finds that his movement has become unusually fluid; as if he is constantly moving through liquid. No. Not liquid. Light.

The large (almost intolerable) amount of darkness inside of him now cuts through the light around him and bends it out of his way. He also finds that if he concentrates he can see the light and dark inside each person's heart.

DiZ's heart is equally balanced between the two; neither the dark nor the light wavers in his heart. They're like two untouchable stone pillars standing next to each other. Namine's heart is all light but it's faded and trembles at even the tiniest breeze.

It fits both of them strangely enough, he muses.

Just like his heart fits him. Pure inky blackness.

- - - - - - - - - - -

_And now you shall sleep_

_Yeah, it was real, and I never knew it_

- - - - - - - - - - -

(close it)

He sometimes looks through Namine's sketch book when the blonde isn't looking. His heart always gives a familiar pang whenever he sees pictures containing Kairi and Sora together. But he's beyond the point of delusion now; he knows how those two feel about each other.

He is no longer part of their equation. And now that he can see just how absorbed in the darkness he is he knows he doesn't deserve to be part of it anyway. The equation sums up to more (better) things without him messing it up with his constant terms (constant ties to darkness).

There love is real and it just took him too long to realize it.

- - - - - - - - - - -

_Now in terrible sleep, he finally listens_

_I hate emotion_

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Now that he's asleep, Sora is a much better listener. Before, when he was awake (alive), he would always interrupt and start adding in his views and hopes. But these days, what Riku wants is not hope.

So in some way he likes Sora better this way. All he does is listen to Riku.

But then one day when Riku is talking to the sleeping Sora he chokes on his words and has to stop for a second to catch his breath. Because something just hit him. And it takes him a moment to realize that he's feeling truly upset about Sora and Kairi's undeniable love.

He doesn't deserve to feel bad about anything though. So why does he feel bad about it? He must be an even worse person than he thought.

That's terrible and he hates it.

- - - - - - - - - - -

_I will not destroy them_

_So many ups and downs_

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Still all the same he decides that at least this way there can be no doubt as to how sinfully evil he is. So he accepts the true emotions even though they make him choke and cry and scream and hate.

And then a good true emotion comes, because Roxas has been found and now he can take him to DiZ and save Sora. Maybe then the emotions will get better.

And now it seems the great Riku is wrong again because if anything the emotions get worse. It feels like the emotions are taking him on a roller coaster and right now he's going down one of those steep ramps that always used to make him feel sick when he was little.

But he doesn't throw up this time. And instead he just lets the emotions deal out the punishment they've deemed worthy of his sins.

- - - - - - - - - - -

_We all three grew_

_I hear I was Ansem, I hear I was Ansem_

- - - - - - - - - - -

The feelings he feels are biting at him and clawing at him, and he doesn't want to admit it… But they're killing him. He's getting worn and frayed.

But most of all he's getting tired; which can't be good because he still has so much to do even though Sora's awake again. He wishes he could talk to Sora again, but he knows that's impossible because Sora won't listen anymore.

He's got better things to do then listen to Riku talk about Riku's stupid, insignificant, deeply-evil feelings that Riku wishes he didn't have.

- - - - - - - - - - -

_And now you shall sleep_

_Yeah, it was real, and I never knew it_

- - - - - - - - - - -

(closing hurry)

Roxas and Sora are the same person. Namine and Kairi are the same person.

And he knows that it's his fault that Roxas and Namine even exist. That's why Roxas and Namine have a bound. Because Sora and Kairi have a bound. If one half of either couple ever gets lost the other half will call them. Riku finds that he feels upset knowing no one's there to call him back except maybe his friends.

But then again his friends are much too busy, too important too… Good, to help him when he was in need. How sad.

Is he alone?

He knows that's what he deserves but he hopes he's not (alone).

- - - - - - - - - - -

_Even we still laugh, we shall be back_

_He was Ansem, he was Ansem_

- - - - - - - - - - -

Riku realizes that he isn't quite as bad as he thought he was when DiZ (Ansem) decides to kill himself in a vain pathetic attempt to stop Organization XIII. Because all this time DiZ was really Ansem the Wise. Not Riku.

Sora and Kairi laugh, and Riku laughs too because he thinks that maybe just maybe there's some hope for him; even if it's selfish of him to think that.

He talks to King Mickey about his emotions briefly, the King smiles and tells Riku that what he's feeling (hope) is good for him and he needs to feel more of it. So Riku tries his best to keep a positive attitude and fight with all he's got.

And it actually works. How strange, it seems he can be good without being selfish. He never thought that was possible before.

- - - - - - - - - - -

_Yeah, and I was him_

_We all three grew_

- - - - - - - - - - -

He's getting so much happier, it really is amazing. Everything is going right.

But now suddenly something's gone wrong.

That's awful. That's awful isn't it?

Just when he was looking up something happened.

It appears Riku is too fragile to be happy, so finally after only a little bit of time back home in Destiny he breaks again.

If King Mickey is right about hope and true emotions being good things then Riku is sure that he has just broken.

Unexpectedly the feelings are gone and he's shattered again. And now instead of feeling he thinks. Just like before he started healing, he's thinking. Just like before.

Instead of exploring the realms of passion he's musing. He's started wondering about Sora and Kairi again. Which is horrible because he doesn't have the right to question feelings as pure as theirs right?

So while those two get accustomed to life on Destiny Islands he's sinking back down and it's not good at all. But then again he doesn't think anything he does anymore is good

And throughout all his thinking he realizes (again) that he was Ansem.

Even though DiZ was the real Ansem, Riku was the important Ansem. And that was all that mattered.

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_I hear I was Ansem, I hear I was Ansem_

_I need more affection then you know_

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So he breaks again (which isn't good) and his will to ever heal again shatters because he's tired of being a broken record that just spins in circles.

First he breaks, and then he heals, and breaks again, and heals again…

So he decides to stop healing because it's too hard to heal just to end up breaking in the end. And breaking was always too painful to begin with. So what's the point?

Staying broken is just so much easier, and besides it doesn't look like he'll ever stay healed. But he can stay broken.

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_I need more affection than you know_

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(closed)

**Author's Note:** I took some of the lyrics from Reverse/Rebirth Sanctuary and wrote some little insightful bits of my own to give them some meaning. Basically this is how I interpret the song. For those of you who do not know Reverse/Rebirth Sanctuary is the song you hear when you play the English version of Sanctuary backwards. Yes, you CAN actually hear the song. Anyone who wants the link to a site that'll play the song just ask for it in your reviews.

bliss


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